It Ain’t Easy Bein Green

No, I’m not talking about the environment either. I hesitated writing about my day today. I didn’t want to complain, or whine. However I realized, that if I hide all the bad days, I’d be lying by omission about the deployment.

One of my favorite lines in Tombstone was delivered by Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday, when Wyatt Earp proved he could resist the actress, Josie in the saloon. Doc’s response was “I stand corrected Wyatt. You’re an oak”. Funny thing about Oaks, and any tree really. But we’ll stick with oak for now. They can handle almost anything without breaking. Why? Because they are strong enough to bend.

While I may post about how I strive to stay positive, to not break under the strain of this deployment, what I haven’t admitted was that sometimes when the weight of responsibility gets to me, I do bend. Sometimes you just have to to keep from breaking. Today was one of those days.

First, My cell phone alerts me that I have a text message. So i look, and it was from Hunny on facebook. Unfortunately, it was from 5am. Two Hours earlier. I missed him. I figured no big deal, I’ve heard from him pretty regularly the last week and a half, he’d be back. Only, by 11am, he wasn’t. That’s pretty much when he goes to bed, being 12 and a half hours ahead of me.  By now, the irritation from facebook being so slow to send the alert has boiled into anger. You see every time he’s gotten online the last week, I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to fall. For that next day to start the week I won’t hear from him again, or two weeks, I never know.

I try to distract myself, I check my bank balance to see how things are set for my cousin’s visit next week. I realize I forgot about a couple things. Second time this week. The one week I don’t have a nice concise list of what gets paid to who. This isn’t an extra responsibility, I’ve been doing it our entire marriage. And usually I’m pretty good at it. Not this week. Up goes my irritability level.

At this point the dog uses the kitchen floor as his toilet, my head is aching again, with the headache that just keeps coming back this week, and I finally just lose it. That didn’t help my headache in the least. It doesn’t seem like much does it? That is what makes it so frustrating when it happens. It’s a bunch of little stuff. And you aren’t supposed to sweat the little stuff. But here I sat having a meltdown over it.

I realize, of course that it is going to happen. But I still catch myself feeling ashamed. Because I’m Miss Suzy Sunshine that is going to radiate light and cheer right? I wish. I no longer will hide the bad and only blog the good. It’s unfair to me to censor myself in my own blog, and unfair to other wives going through this that see nothing but positive, when they aren’t experiencing that. \

The fact is there are alot of days that suck.  We spouses are very proud of our husbands, nothing ever lessens that. But we also go through alot more than you see from the outside. Alot more than you can really understand unless you live it. And we understand that really, noone gets that but us, and our husbands. We say goodbye to our best friend and love of our life, and that same day come home, and place ALL of the household responsibility squarely on our shoulders. The kids, the driving, the bills, the pets, every meal, every car problem, every broken pipe or leaky radiator that might come along in their absence.

We are the ones expected to stay strong, for our families back home, our husbands overseas, and our kids, who we do our best to keep a stiff upper lip in front of. And all of that, is in addition to the worry, and in addition to the loneliness that invades every space that he would normally be in. But sometimes all the little things build up, and that ONE person that you would normally have beside you to make it all ok, can’t be there. And that’s when it hurts the most.

But that’s also when I realize, I am an oak. I didn’t break, I had the strength to bend, and stand back up. And, that’s when my yahoo messenger lit up.  That’s when I smile, and thank God the other shoe hadn’t fallen afterall. And I get a little time with Hunny. And I enjoy every minute of it, because I never know when the next time will come, it could be tomorrow, it could be next week. It could be a month. That’s when all those little things that had just seemed so huge, disappear and for a little  while, it’s just us.

For my part, I intend to blog as I swore I would. The good, and the bad. For your parts…Hug a military wife, or buy her Liquor. She’ll appreciate either one! I’ll take a Jack Daniels and Coke with a maraschino cherry please.

Day 123: My Hero

I received a letter from the Hubby on Monday. In it he casually mentions he was awarded a medal. I dragged the story out of him today, but I’m not sharing it. He wouldn’t want me to, that’s just how he is. As far as he’s concerned, he has a job to do, and he’s doing it. And really, it’s his story to tell not mine. I’m pretty sure it bothers him when I gush too. So I try not to. But it’s hard.

To other people, he’d be considered a hero just because of his job alone. Because he volunteered to wear the uniform. And he is to me too. But he was my hero long before he ever raised his right hand.

He was my hero when…

• A mean boy at the mall broke the balloon he had gotten for me, and Hubby (then boyfriend) walked over to him, and quietly convinced him it was in his best interest to go get me another one.
• A guy insulted me, and he walked over and punched him in the face.
• He worked any crappy job he could get his hands on to keep us taken care of.
• When I told him I was pregnant and he stayed completely calm and said "ok"
• He said "I do"
• He held my hand as I delivered both of our daughters.
• He drove me to Maryland for my Dad’s funeral and sat and listened while I tried to figure out the confusion in my head of trying to understand why it hurt so much to lose someone that was never there.
• He did all of the work with our first daughter, because I had no idea what to do with a baby, having never been around one, and being too self conscious to try.
• He showed me how to change a diaper, give her a bath, and dress her, without once mocking me.
• He took the position of standing between me, and a charging moose.
• He puts up with all my craziness.
• He’s just being himself
• He makes me laugh in the middle of being mad at him

I can’t give him a medal for all of that, and more. But I wish I could. And I wish he wasn’t so humble, and would realize that in his job or at home, He really is a hero. And I’ve always been and always will be so proud to be called his wife. So if I gush when the Army recognizes his valor, his honor, and his work ethic, it’s not because I am bragging on him. It’s because it makes me damned happy to see someone else recognize what a good man he is. If I try to tell him he just rolls his eyes. But if THEY do, he has to wear it.  And though it drives me nuts that he doesn’t like the praise, that he actually said "I was just doing my job, I didn’t ask for a damned medal" That makes me proud too.

Is it any wonder I feel like half of me is gone? And clearly, it’s the better half.

Tags: OEF 2009

Day 116: A Day of Thanks

My grandfather was a Veteran of WW2, as was my husband’s. My husband himself is now a veteran of two wars, Iraq, and now Afghanistan. Even though I "live the life" it still amazes me the sacrifices these soldiers (and of course Sailors, Marines and Airmen) make every day to try and bring freedom to those that don’t have it, and to keep it for those that do. Leaving behind families, friends, and comfort for six months to a year. Putting themselves WILLINGLY in danger.

Just yesterday, we had a memorial for seven of our soldiers killed in action. Immediately after the ceremony, one of them who was here for (I believe) R&R, raised his right hand and took his oath again. Reenlisting. There are guys right now, in the thick of it, doing the same thing. So, remember to take a moment and give thanks. 

This nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave.  ~Elmer Davis

Day 114: Boredom Is The Enemy

We’re getting there. It’s sometimes slow going, but we’re getting there. The problem is, I get bored. When you’re bored the time goes so damned slowly. I’ve been baking, and cleaning, trying new games, ok only one new game. I reinstalled Sims 2. But I got bored quickly, as usual once I decorated my house and my little family had a baby. I’ve run out of things to occupy myself.

As we speak I have two dozen fudge walnut brownies cooling in the kitchen. And I plan to make another two dozen without nuts. Besides that I’ve been reading. There is a blog I have been reading since way before Hubby deployed. I started reading it when someone linked this entry about the day casualty notification showed up at her door, only to find out they had the wrong house.  I can’t even imagine. I mean I know it happens, and it ALMOST happened here once that I know of, but Wow.

Anyhow, I was reading her post about the Ft Hood shooting and in it she had a really great observation. One I couldn’t have explained better in my own words. And it is how I do it. People ask me that, "how do you do it??" well thank you Sis B for putting it better than I could.

The way to deal with deployment is to have worry times and safe times. Before they leave is a non-worry time. Traveling is always troublesome, but even during the deployments there are times when you can worry less than others. He’s talking to you on IM at the super-FOB? Not so worrisome. Haven’t heard from him in a few days? Must be on a mission. Worry time. You just can’t maintain that level of fear for such an extended period of time, so you break it up into manageable chunks.

That’s exactly it. Now he only gets to the Fob once in a while, so I have to micro manage those little chunks a little further. Not getting an email from the Rear D, means I can worry less too.

Day 113: Daydreaming

Another good way to deal with this deployment for me, is daydreaming. Looking forward to things to do when he gets home. Not only does it distract me, but it gives me something to look forward to and work for.  It hit me today in one of my daydreaming moments, that in the almost 17 years we have been married, not once have we taken a family vacation. In the first 9 years, we could barely afford to eat let alone take vacations. After he enlisted, we just never got around to it. Sure, he’s had leave twice per year, but we never did anything. Frankly we still couldn’t really afford it, but we never actually tried. We’d taken a couple trips back home to PA to visit family.  But that isn’t what I’m talking about.

I was looking through our photos from Summer 2008. We had gone out to the Ocean for a day that summer. The Seashore towns in WA are really great. The little shops, restaurants, activities, and of course the Ocean itself. That’s when it struck me. He’ll get some leave when he gets home from this deployment. It’ll be summer, the kids won’t have school to deal with. I think it would be a great time to take the kids, and the dogs, pack up the truck and escape for at least a week, maybe two to the WA coast. Walk the beaches, browse the shops, horseback rides along the shore, admire the view. Get away from the Army, the house, the traffic, the phone ringing for the kids, all of it. Just relax, and enjoy some time as a family.

For the first time in seventeen years.

Day 112: Goal Progress

It’s been a week since I stated working on some of my goals regularly. So far it’s going pretty well. I spent alot of time this week beating the house into shape. Doing the deeper cleaning required to bring it to regular maintenance level. I’m happy to say, I am now able to dust and vacuum only and keep it looking good.

I also started regularly using my Clinique 3 step program regularly. At least twice per day. Sometimes I miss one, but I’m seeing results. Those silly bumps (not pimples, just bumps) are diminishing noticeably, my skin tone is evened out alot.

Yesterday, I got some baking supplies, and started baking goodies to send to Hubby and his squad. For the first time using less mixes and more fresh baked. I made almost three dozen chocolate chip with walnut cookies last night. Really liking having a stand mixer. It makes the dough so much easier to mix.  Also in the plan are brownies, Peanut Butter Blossoms, and sugar cookies cut in Turkey shapes since I can’t send him a turkey on Thanksgiving. I also found a recipe for no bakes that doesn’t use oatmeal, so I’m going to mix up some of those too.

Every day I stay busy is another day that doesn’t drag on endlessly, and another day closer to him coming home. I’m not watching the news, just checking my “official” email. A Day with no emails is another day I know he’s ok. Taking the good where I can find it, and pushing through the rest. I’m not gonna wallow, I’m not going to sit here feeling sorry for myself, I’m going to do what I do best. Support the man I Love.

Day 111: Stress Makes A Great Maid Service

I’ve figured out how to have a maid around here. Simply channel my stress and tension into my house. In just two days I have washed and put away all of my laundry, cleaned out my closet, decluttered the bathroom cabinets, and scrubbed the entire thing including the floor by hand, scoured the kitchen counters and floor, and cleaned the miniblinds. All the while keeping up with the vacuuming and dusting. I id everything short of cleaning things with a toothbrush. I’ve decided the next time I feel anxious and stressed I’ll just clean stuff. At least it’s productive!

And ya know what? It felt good when I was done. like scrubbing the house scrubbed away some of my more negative feelings. Anyone that knows me knows I hate feeling negative. It does me no good, it does my kids no good, and it does Hubby no good. When he can get the time to talk to me, I need to be at my best. I need to be thinking positively, and upbeat. As I’ve mentioned before, that is very important for his well being over there. We have always fed off of each others moods. In fact, he posted about it back in 2006 during our extension, in a journal only him and I read and write in. Here’s the quote from his message back then.

This was from Aug 7, 2006, during his extended deployment in Iraq.

"The truth is I couldn’t do any of this without you. I don’t think I’ve ever realized that more than I have lately. FOUR DAYS bfore I was supposed to be on a plane home I’m told I gotta be here for a few months more. I was pissed off, depressed, and felt like I just got kicked in the gut about it. But seeing your attitude about it how could I stay down? Now I’m at the point where I say fuck it, lets go do what we came to do and go kick some teeth in and go home. I still see guys here walking around moping and feeling sorry for themselves. In my opinion, it’s because NONE of them have a wife that can pick them up like you do me. Every single soldier here should be jealous of the support I get from my wife. Because my wife don’t sit around the house feeling sorry for herself and sure as hell wont feel sorry for me. You remind me all the time why I joined the army in the first place so why should I feel sorry for myself now? I was down for a while but you picked me back up with all your possitive attitude. Now I can go where ever we end up and know in my heart no matter what happens I never let you down because you didn’t let me stay down. I don’t want you to worry too much when we do go either because I am determined to go do my job AND come home to you and our 2 little girls. If ANYTHING good comes out of this whole thing I just want you to know it’s all because of you and the love and support you give every single day.
I love you baby!"

I’m glad I went back and found that. Sometimes even I need a reminder that my attitude is contagious. And it just reinforces my desire to do whatever it takes to not let myself  give in when things get hard. If that means turning myself into some kind of Flylady Martha Stewart Betty Crocker Rachel Ray hybrid then so be it!  I truly believe that if you THINK negative you GET negative. And I don’t want that. Not for any of us. Thank you Hunny for inspiring me, I couldn’t do it without you.

Day 109-110: I’ll Divorce Him Myself If I become One of THEM.

I know deployments require us to grow a thicker skin. We have to, it’s survival. But If I ever become one of the wives I’ve seen and heard around this place, I’ll divorce my husband myself on the grounds of sparing him the pain of living with me.

I’ve been at the post office alot, and you hear things. Same with the PX, Commissary, whatever. Alot of it just makes my jaw drop. Granted we have a few different deployments going on here, and the Iraq one has way more accessible to the troops themselves than the guys sent to Afghanistan do. But just yesterday I heard one saying she wasn’t going to send her husband anything else. It is too much of a pain to pack it, fill out the forms and go to the post office. He can do without.

Another at the PX was actually telling her friend she was happy to have her husband gone. They were getting on each others nerves too much in the FOUR MONTHS they’d been married.

Then there are the ones that just seem to not have any enthusiasm for their spouse at all. That talk about him like he’s a household pet or something. Maybe it’s all just defense mechanisms or something. But it makes me sad. Especially when I’m mailing boxes, and talking to another spouse and mention that I really enjoy sending packages, or I’ve doodled "I love you" on the box, and get "Oh you must be newlyweds, how long have you been married?". When I answer 17 years it shocks her. I think that’s kind of sad really. Passion, giddiness, and enthusiasm isn’t reserved for the newly married.

Day 108: Getting My Ass In Gear

I’ve never been the worlds best housekeeper. I’m a clutter queen. I’ve also rarely exercised, depending on the good genes I managed to get to keep me looking good. But I’m finding I’m tired of being thin and out of shape. And I’m tired of clutter. So, time to work on new habits.

Every time he goes away, I decide to make something better than when he left. So, that’s the plan here. First of all, for me I have many improvements I want to make cosmetically. I’m doing pretty well with some of it but need to get the total project started.

1. Clear up my skin. I’ve been a clinique girl for 20 years. But like many other GOOD habits I don’t do the facial cleansing consistently. I can be consistent in my BAD habits of course. Go Figure. I started this past weekend making sure I cleanse my face with the 3 Step program at least once per day. I also started putting my makeup on in the morning, after getting caught on webcam without it…lol

2. Full body skin care. Another thing I’ve never concerned myself with. But If I’m going to meet him for R&R in the outfit I planned, I need smooth legs! And if you’re going to work on moothing the skin on your legs, and they compose about 3 feet of your  total height like mine, you might as well work on the rest of your skin. Exfoliating body wash by Oil of Olay and moisturizer should do it.

3. Quit letting that Elliptical kick my ass! Keep at it, until it becomes easy. Also started Yoga DVD to relax at night before bed.

4. Hair: Quit using shampoo with built in conditioner. My hair doesn’t like it. Get a cut and color. Nothing drastic, just a trim in layers, and brighten up my natural color (a dark dull brown without highlights)a little. I liked being a redhead but I’d rather have my natural color with a little oomph.

The  house comes next.

1. Separate the house into daily zones to really work on that day. The rest is general care. Go front to back, Mon-Fri one section for each day. Weekends off.

2. Clean the damned clutter as I go through those areas the first week.

3. Get things framed that have been waiting for years and hang them up.

We’ll just see how this all goes. I do know in order to do it, and contend with the holidays I need to take some time away from WoW. Not quit all together, but only play when I’m done with the days work. It’s been too easy to just sit here and say "I’ll do it tomorrow" for way too long.  And for every full pay period I stick with this, I’ve decided I can allow myself a special treat. Probably Clinique makeup til I rebuild my supply up. First big project is going through my closet and getting rid of stuff I don’t wear. Kids get first choice, the rest goes to the thrift shop!

Day 107: Staying Positive

Sometimes staying positive can be a challenge. Some days it’s such a challenge I wonder if I’m up to it. But I always come around. I just can’t dwell on the negative. It does noone any good. Least of all my Husband. Sure it’s good for him to know I miss him, and hate being without him. But it’s more important for him to NOT be worried about how I’m coping. If he is secure in knowing that I’m going to kick this deployment’s ass, he can go about his job without worrying about home. I think I do pretty well most of the time. It’s a challenge to take care of him from a distance but I’ve found a few ways. And since I’ve slacked off on my "5’s" lately. Here’s 5 positive things I do to make HIS life easier/better.

1. When writing letters, I update him on the daily goings on if there are any to report. Which kid got a bad grade, which kid got a stomach bug, which dog crapped in the kitchen (usually HIS dog) that kind of thing. If nothings going on, I go with mushy love letters (so easy to be mushy with him, he brings out the best in me).

2. I’ve started dropping by his facebook and leaving messages. lovey dovey stuff, love songs, cute little graphics, etc. Now that the FOB has an internet cafe set up, he’ll get them. There wasn’t any point before now, but it’s fun.

3. Use my support network. If I need to let loose with a round of whining, or ranting, I have people to text, call, email, IM, etc. I never burden him with it. He knows it happens of course. But he is very much  "fix it" kind of guy, like most guys are. It would only frustrate him to not be able to fix it.

4. I listen. Ok, he’ll tell you himself I talk too much. But I can listen. And I’m lucky, in the fact that he will talk to me about the rough stuff he goes through. I love that he does this. First of all because it’s better that he talk about it now than shoving it all down. And second, because no matter what it is he’s facing over there, I’d rather know the brutal truth of what’s going on around him, than be sheltered from it. I know that might sound strange, but knowing how bad things are leaves me with no surprises. I enjoy listening to him, and it feels good to know he knows I can take it.

5. Boxes! I love sending him things. I keep some things kind of secret so I’m the only one sending that particular thing to him. Selfish, maybe but I’m his wife, I get to have special things with him…lol

I still can’t wait until he is home again. I miss doing things for him, and spoiling him rotten. But for now long distance will have to do. Focusing on making him happy has the wonderful side effect of making me happy. Love is a wonderful thing.