Posted by That Hooah Wife on Oct 29, 2009 in OEF 2009
Get a clue! Or take a lesson from NBC Nightly News.
On Tuesday, our local news on NBC ran a story. Eight soldiers killed in Afghanistan, now here’s the part that makes me mad. FROM FT LEWIS. In the list of things you shouldn’t announce until it’s confirmed, and families are DONE being notified that is a big one. Do you have any idea what that sentence did to me? and likely SEVERAL other families here that heard it? It terrified us!
NBC Nightly news had the respect to NOT mention the brigade, OR even the KIND of unit (local news take note, even just saying "Stryker Brigade" tells us it’s ours…we’re the only damned stryker brigade in that country). They simply said Eight soldiers were killed in Afghanistan. Nothing that would cause the fear that the local news stories did. You see, we don’t get told it wasn’t OUR soldiers, until the families have been notified of their loss. So until we got that email…I was a wreck. I was sick to my stomach, shaking, my anxiety was through the roof. So thank you King 5 news for the most horrible 24 hours of this deployment so far. No idea what the other stations said, I wasn’t watching them. I wouldn’t even have been watching King 5 had I remembered to change the channel at 5:00.
Sometimes getting the story out fast is more detrimental than getting the story out right. The good news is, my husband is ok. The bad news is it was his unit. Again. So while we’re at it…
Dear Mr President,
Please approve that troop surge. The longer you wait, the more dangerous this deployment becomes for our soldiers there. I appreciate that you want to be careful, I do. But the longer you wait, the harder it gets for the guys fighting there that need the support. Including my husband.
Posted by That Hooah Wife on Oct 27, 2009 in OEF 2009
I have been trying all day to write a letter to my husband. All I have gotten written so far is "Hey Babe!". Why? Because it’s pretty damned hard to put a positive spin on anything when all I have is "I’m lonely, I’m scared, I’m tired".
I was doing fine until I got the email that we are having a stress management briefing next week. No, it isn’t what it sounds like. It’s to prepare us for what to expect during R&R. What to expect when our husbands come home after going through what I can only call "hell" for the first few months they were there. I have done a GREAT job of keeping my mind off the worries about PTSD. He didn’t experience any the last time. But the last time was not an experience like this. This is when it hits me, that noone experiences the deployment cycle the way the spouse (or someone that lives with the soldier) does. Noone.
I have it in my face twenty four seven. It’s there when I got to bed, and remember I’m sleeping alone. It’s there when I make dinner and have to remind myself to cook enough for three, not four. To only get three dishes out. It’s there at 5pm sharp when I think I need to get his coffee ready when he gets home. It’s there when I’m upset and need HIM to make me feel better. Sometimes noone else will do. It’s there when things get out of hand with the girls and I have noone there to back me up. It’s there when the phone rings or someone comes to the door and I whisper a prayer before answering.And it’s even there when something really great happens and the one person I want to share it with, I can’t. It’s there for better and worse. It’s like having an invisible force trying it’s best to crush me. It never goes away, I can only do my best to ignore it.
So this notice of the briefing coming up, although I’m grateful we get them, (unlike generations past), just served to remind me that it may not end when he gets home. We that live with a soldier have a worry in the back of our minds, that not only do we worry about living without them, we worry about what living WITH them will be like. Sure people always change during trying times. That isn’t what these briefings are for. This isn’t about "oh he came home and he’s wanting to take back over". It’s not about Us becoming more independent and them feeling left out. No. The worry is, do they come home having nightmares, flashbacks, depression, anxiety. Is that nice, patient quiet, funny guy going to come back angry, quick to temper, super serious, and suffering. DRASTIC changes. And I don’t mean I’m worried that it’ll happen. I’m MORE worried I won’t know how to help HIM if it does.
As I said a while back, if it happens we deal with it. But sometimes, I just don’t want the knowledge of "what could be" all up in my face. For now, I have a list of expectations for R&R of my own.
Yesterday was October 25. And I said when it came I would answer Bre’s Question. So here goes.
October 25, 1991, I was 17 and four days earlier had ended a fairly bad relationship. But in typical "me" fashion, I sucked it up, and got over it. This night, I was hanging out with friends at the mall. In the town we lived in, this was about the only thing us teenagers had to do on weekends. upon arriving, I ran into my best friend Tiffi, and stopped to talk.
Now, There was this guy, Ken, who I’d seen hanging out there almost every weekend for at least the last year. He had the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen. And he always had a hug for anyone that wanted one. I’d always thought he was hot, but he was always just out of reach. The first and only time we almost got to talk he got kicked out of the mall by an angry mall cop. I was sitting with a group of friends, and Kevin (Who by the way, Ironically enough, is married to my sister in law now!), one of Ken’s friends told him to come sit with us. Unfortunately Mister Mall Cop had just told Ken "and don’t move again!". So when he came to sit right beside me…that asshole threw him out of the mall. I was soooo close, but my chance was snatched away.
But on October 25, 1991 I had my chance. Ken walks up to where Tiffi and I are, and he hugs her, he hugs me, and he stands there one arm around each of us. Tiffi says to him "hey, I’m supposed to hook you up with one of my friends". I, the LEAST forward and flirtatious among my friends, said "How ’bout me??". And Ken, in his typical, laid back, easy going way simply says…"ok". That was it. OK. Tiffi eventually forgave me for hijacking her match making attempt too…thanks Tiff!
We started going out that night, and for the next year. We had our ups and downs, and close calls. But on October 25th 1992, He gave me the surprise of my life. you see, my grandmother had an engagement ring. It was meant to be given to the man I would marry. However, she told me at one point she had sold it. I was a bit disappointed but I knew she was having a hard time so I understood.
That night, Ken came to my house. He asked me to go put on one of my formal dresses. I looked at him with a raised eyebrow, but did it anyhow. He then led me to my bedroom, put me up on my desk stool. And he turned on some music. My eyes are closed, as requested, when I hear him ask me to marry him. And I feel something being put on my finger. When I said yes, in tears, I opened my eyes, to see my grandmother’s diamond ring on my finger. I immediately flew out the door, grabbed the phone, and called my grandmother to tell her what a sneaky old woman she was. That’s when Ken followed me and said he wasn’t done yet! I hung up, and he took me back to my room, where he formally asked me to dance. And this was the song.
Three months later, I found out I was pregnant with our first daughter. We were 19, he was working in fast food, we had very little. When he came to my house after work, and I told him I was pregnant…he again reacted with his typical no panic, laid back "ok". He’s always been my rock. Even as young as we were, he’s always been the one to stay calm, and wait for me to stop panicking about something, and we work it out.
Until I met him, I’d never cried out of pure happiness, I didn’t know what love really was. And this may be TMI, but even though I’d lost my virginity a few years before, I didn’t know what all the fuss was about sex. I didn’t understand "making love" until I met him. 18 years later, he still shows me every day what love really is. We’ve been through it all, and nothing has broken us. I still feel like I did 18 years ago, only stronger.
Posted by That Hooah Wife on Oct 23, 2009 in OEF 2009
15 days without blogging. Epic fail there. Things have just been running together like wet paint around here so I’m not even going to try to recap the last 15 days. I’ll settle for this week.
Monday wasn’t bad. It was probably the best day of the whole week. Nothing happened. Nothing at all. Oh, I think that’s when my new Mattress was delivered…no wait that was Tuesday.
Tuesday sucked. The youngest kid woke up with a stomach bug. That was just the start of hell week. But my Mattress arrived and it is hella comfy so, I guess it worked out.
Wednesday was a day I just wanted to give back to the week and start over. Kid was still sick, then I found out Hubby was online and I MISSED IT! Thank you for failing to send texts to my cell phone facebook. Really appreciate it. I decided I’d play WoW for a while and try and get my mind off missing that message. Knowing, that it’s going to be another two weeks til he’s anywhere near phones and computers again, this was no easy task. That’s when someone I considered a friend, that we’ve known since we moved here went completely over the edge and destroyed any friendship there was over a simple misunderstanding we had Sunday night in game. Including blaming me for a conversation that never happened in which I refused to apologize and told him that if he said anything to the rest of our guild (In game playing group) I’d kick him out of it. It’s really hard to prove a conversation never took place. I can save conversations in the game, but not one that never took place.
I remember my Grandmother doing this to me, and as much as I admired her, and still do…it was a very scary situation. This brought me right back to that place and I just can’t deal with it. Not with everything else. I apologized for what I DID do wrong, but I refuse to say I’m sorry for something that never happened. I wish I was the only one this affected, but unfortunately I’m not. It affected everyone who was online playing that night when he attacked me in the public chat area, it affected the smaller group I was working with when I had to leave the group because I was too upset to continue, and it leaves my husband without a ride from the airport when R&R comes around. But he’ll get here, somehow or another, and I’ll meet him at the airport if I have to walk.
The sad thing is, I could have and should have kicked him the minute he started drama in guild chat. That’s my job as an officer, to enforce the rules. But how could I at that point? If I did, I’d just validate his claim of a nonexistent conversation, if I don’t I’m failing at enforcing the rules. There was no winning decision to make. I just have to go hands off.
So that was Wednesday. Worst day of the week so far. Thursday, Youngest kid still sick so off to the Doc we go. He said it was a tummy bug, I’d done all the right things (light meals, fluids, rest), and since she was now wanting Burger King she was pretty much over it, just get her stomach slowly back to eating normally.
Today…Daisy has a vet appointment. This will be my longest trip yet. I have to drive over to the Air Force base next door. Luckily I can avoid I5 completely. Here’s hoping I don’t get lost, and the scabby thing on her back isn’t anything major.
Posted by That Hooah Wife on Oct 7, 2009 in OEF 2009
I’m no longer a walking ball of stress. I’ve finally gotten to my "Zen" place in this deployment. It took a little longer than expected and I was really frustrated about it. Mainly because I’m impatient with myself. Whenever I’ve decided to learn something, I expect to understand it and be good at it immediately. Hubby has endured the ranting and raving that comes with that every time I’ve tried something new. This website, games, you name it.
I know it sounds strange to read that with my husband in a war zone I’m calm. But I finally had to recognize that I have no control over anything but me, my kids and my home. I can’t control communication, or whatever else happens over there, all I can do is deal with it. Recognizing that, and putting it to use is probably what will keep me sane the next several months. That and looking forward to his R&R, and after that his return. Knowing that we’ll be together for at least 12 months before we deal with this again.
And we will deal with this again. It’s inevitable. It’s what he does.
On the homefront, no more migraines! And the med they gave me to try and stop my random muscle pains is working. Hard to believe that all the stuff I’ve complained about the last couple years could all be related to ONE disorder. The itching ears, the IBS, the depression, anxiety, insomnia, fatigue (I swear by 4pm I was ready for bed most days). And I didn’t realize that the aches and pains were that plentiful until they stopped this last few days with the Neurontin. I just sighed and ignored them as best I could. I mean they weren’t crippling pains, I figured I was just getting older and out of shape. I know people with Fibromyalgia, and they’re pain is really bad. Mine wasn’t. I figured no way that’s what it could be for me. I haven’t felt this normal in ages. It’s kinda awesome.
Posted by That Hooah Wife on Sep 29, 2009 in Kids, OEF 2009
A very strange thing has happened in our household. My oldest and I have had the same headache, for the same time period, with the same symptoms. B told me Thursday or Friday she had a headache. I gave her 2 advil, and she never mentioned it again. Friday mine started. Ugh it was awful. I couldn’t shake it for anything. I threw everything at it. Advil, decongestants (the pain was all behind my eyes). Nothing worked until Saturday when I took Excedrin Migraine. But it still came back. So Monday, I went to the doc. She ordered bloodwork, and Thursday I have a head CT.
After dinner last night, B looks miserable. I ask her what was wrong and she says headache. This time I ask if her stomach is upset. She says kind of. Well, the clinic is closed at this point. So my choices are the ER/Fast Track, or wait til today and get in at the clinic. I opted for the ER. Since at this point we both have this thing, I’m worried about something contagious. They take her in, do bloodwork, CT, give her IV fluids, and eventually a cocktail of toradol, compazine and benadryl before releasing her with a migraine diagnosis 4 hours later.
So far today she feels fine, fingers crossed for her that it stays gone. I have some pressure still, like mine’s gonna return. Ugh. I was told by her nurse that the ER was the better choice because they can do everything at the visit. Unlike the clinic which schedules the CT. Of course that cocktail of drugs would have rendered me unable to drive home, so the ER wouldn’t be a good choice for me.
It’s just so strange that it hit us both at the same time. I have no explanation. The youngest is unaffected. It was just us. Barometric pressure changes? Misalignment of the planets? Who knows. Lets just hope it goes away and stays away.
Posted by That Hooah Wife on Sep 24, 2009 in OEF 2009
Best news of the last few days? hubby finally called. We were going on three weeks so that was quite a relief. Bad news, he’s cheating on the dog. It’s cute bad news tho. It seems they have a dog that has attached herself to them. She follows them on patrol, alerts them when people are nearby. They call her "Regulator". I think it’s awesome. Shadow however remains unimpressed.
Not so cute possibly bad news, as it stands there aren’t enough slots for everyone to get R&R. Hopefully this changes. And if not hopefully he gets his. Though I know my husband, and if there’s someone that needs it more (new baby they haven’t seen, baby’s due date, that kinda thing), he’ll hand it over. And I’d understand if he did. The important thing is he’s ok, he sounded great, not down at all.
On the homefront…a few changes to my list of changes have been made. First, the supplement for mood balance…never again. I spent Monday feeling very crappy and useless. This led to me deciding to hold off on taking Chantix to quit smoking. It does have some nasty side effects, and with me being the only adult here, I can’t afford to be dealing with that AND the deployment.
My left leg is still bugging me. Spasms yesterday on the inner joint where my thigh meets my pelvis, pins and needles the whole way down. Yuck. My bet is my Sciatic, and/or the family "Left hip curse" as I like to call it. No, I’m not making an appointment. If it gets to where I’m limping I’ll go to the ER where maybe they’ll actually look harder at it, rather than saying hmmm take advil and send me on the referral trampoline. Today isn’t too bad, it’s a little stiff (possibly from yesterdays problems). Looks like a new mattress might be a good choice too.
Posted by That Hooah Wife on Sep 20, 2009 in OEF 2009
I don’t like to harp on the communication from Hunny, or lack thereof. I know the drill now, I know to expect these long bouts of silence where I have to live with my only knowledge of his health and welfare being "No News is Good News". But that doesn’t make yesterday marking two weeks since I last talked to him suck any less. I figure it can’t be much longer.
I’ve made some pretty good changes this last few days. I bought the right foods to start eating a little better. Mostly this consists of keeping bottled water around (something in our tap water triggers my IBS), replacing everything possible with whole grains. That part was amazingly easy. For example, most cereals now, including the sugary ones now contain whole grains and fiber. Velveeta shells and cheese has a rotini variety that includes whole grain pasta, and has acceptable amounts of vitamins. Adding a vegetable to every meal is another thing. Yes, this means I can make Mac n Cheese with a veggie and call it a healthy dinner. For our intents and purposes it is. None of us are really watching calories.
The trick for me is to still be making simple meals my family enjoys, without breaking the bank or taking away things they enjoy. Such as sloppy joes, mac n cheese, Spaghetti, hot dogs and fries. Rather, I add better things to them. Whole Grain buns, whole grain pasta and home made sauce, vegetables (Frozen, never canned). So far it’s working well.
After the run around I’ve had with tricare (our health insurance/network) I had no other option. I finally had the nerve to go in and talk to someone about some issues I’ve had for years. Mostly anxiety, mood swings, and depression. I’m not ashamed at all, I inherited them from my maternal grandmother. Shit happens. However, first you see the counselor. She says yep, sounds like bipolar and anxiety attacks. Then comes the BUT. We can’t prescribe for family members, only soldiers. Instead I’m referred to a program on post for dependants. Oh, but they can only do therapy. You’ll still need prescriptions, call and get an off base referral for that.
I was also having a pain in my thigh. I got referred to Physical Therapy. PT bounced the referral back to family medicine. It didn’t seem to be in their specialty…without ever seeing me.
So, my approach was to fix my diet. Add some vitamins (women’s Ultra Mega is great, thank you Ms Mo). Add some good sources of vitamins and minerals (v8 Fusion Blueberry and Pomegranate is AMAZING). Eat 3 meals per day, rather than nothing until dinner time. Yes, bad habit I know. Cut out soda, well I did that a while ago. I DID manage to get a consultation appointment for the stop smoking drug, Chantix. Not sure if I’m really ready for it’s side effects though. In the mean time, I have cut down drastically by not smoking in the house at all.
I also picked up a supplement called 5-HTP to balance moods. So far, so good I must say. The pains in my thigh are decreasing in frequency. I also have to wonder if the fact that I spend nearly all day in slippers with no support to my feet at all is contributing. Soon I’ll start walking in short amounts, and build up the distance. Eventually, once my system is used to all of this, I’ll move up to using my elliptical, and even maybe a yoga class at the gym.
Pleasant surprise, I lost 20 pounds since Hunny left in July. No, this isn’t unhealthy for me, I have always averaged 120. But without him here to send to burger king and mcdonalds several times a month, I’ve been eating less fat. Hopefully all this eating healthier and cooking healthier becomes habit and I don’t slip back when he gets home.
That’s pretty much all I’ve done that last few days. I feel pretty high maintenance right now, but if things become good habits, it’ll just feel normal in the long run right? I’m making myself my project for the deployment I guess. Here’s hoping it’s a success.
Posted by That Hooah Wife on Sep 16, 2009 in OEF 2009
I know, I know, this isn’t daily. I just keep getting busy and not having time! Not even busy with anything fun, or exciting.
I DID go to my appointment with the counselor. After an hour of talking, they hit me with the "we refer off post for treatment". yeah. Great. Sure, you SEEM to be bipolar and have anxiety, but we don’t do that here. Bite me. I’ve managed THIS long, I’ll manage longer. I’m also looking into natural ways to deal with it. Before I commit to anything, I’m going to start with the basics. Diet, and exercise.
Other than that, nothing much happening on the homefront.
1. Over 2 weeks with no bad news for our battalion.
2. That Eliptical that is on display, and the last one the PX has, while cheap, and already put together is NOT a brilliant idea. Yes it’s put together already, but how are you going to get it OUT of the truck bed at home?? Not one of my brightest moves. Luckily, one of the few NOT deployed soldiers was walking down my street.
3. Wearing your bluetooth handsfree device totally makes it safe to talk to yourself while shopping.
4. We have vampire spiders
5. 2 months down!
6. One of my letters was returned to me, apparently they are unfamiliar with the address at which the Husband is residing. Idiots.
That’s about it from the last four days. Tomorrow…Groceries. Woo Friggin Hoo.
Posted by That Hooah Wife on Sep 11, 2009 in OEF 2009
So today is the day. Eight years ago, the worst attack on US soil since Pearl Harbor. It’s no secret it changed my life, and that of my husband and kids. It spurred him to enlist in the Army. That change has been both good and difficult, but I’m still so proud of him for doing something he believed in.
Today, on the 8th anniversary of 9/11, he is in Afghanistan fighting against the same extremists that attacked our country, one of those sites (Shanksville) only an hour from where we lived. And here at home, we have to fight against those that would degrade the mission he is on, who protest not only the war in Iraq, but the one in Afghanistan, where these brutal attacks originated. Have they forgotten?
Today is why our soldiers are fighting over there. Today, as every day, I’m again reminded what a brave man I married. Even though I miss him so much it physically hurts at times, I support what he’s doing, and what his friends are doing. Our country is a safer place, because of those willing to take the fight to the enemy. Because of their willingness (and that of their families)to sacrifice to keep the fight away from our shores.
When I am having a hard time accepting him being gone, and it happens, All I have to do is remember.