Day 101: Get Out of My FACE!

I have been trying all day to write a letter to my husband. All I have gotten written so far is "Hey Babe!". Why? Because it’s pretty damned hard to put a positive spin on anything when all I have is "I’m lonely, I’m scared, I’m tired".

I was doing fine until I got the email that we are having a stress management briefing next week. No, it isn’t what it sounds like. It’s to prepare us for what to expect during R&R. What to expect when our husbands come home after going through what I can only call "hell" for the first few months they were there. I have done a GREAT job of keeping my mind off the worries about PTSD. He didn’t experience any the last time. But the last time was not an experience like this. This is when it hits me, that noone experiences the deployment cycle the way the spouse (or someone that lives with the soldier) does. Noone.

I have it in my face twenty four seven. It’s there when I got to bed, and remember I’m sleeping alone. It’s there when I make dinner and have to remind myself to cook enough for three, not four. To only get three dishes out. It’s there at 5pm sharp when I think I need to get his coffee ready when he gets home. It’s there when I’m upset and need HIM to make me feel better. Sometimes noone else will do. It’s there when things get out of hand with the girls and I have noone there to back me up. It’s there when the phone rings or someone comes to the door and I whisper a prayer before answering.And it’s even there when something really great happens and the one person I want to share it with, I can’t. It’s there for better and worse. It’s like having an invisible force trying it’s best to crush me. It never goes away, I can only do my best to ignore it.

So this notice of the briefing coming up, although I’m grateful we get them, (unlike generations past), just served to remind me that it may not end when he gets home. We that live with a soldier have a worry in the back of our minds, that not only do we worry about living without them, we worry about what living WITH them will be like. Sure people always change during trying times. That isn’t what these briefings are for.  This isn’t about "oh he came home and he’s wanting to take back over". It’s not about Us becoming more independent and them feeling left out. No. The worry is, do they come home having nightmares, flashbacks, depression, anxiety. Is that nice, patient quiet, funny guy going to come back angry, quick to temper, super serious, and suffering.  DRASTIC changes. And I don’t mean I’m worried that it’ll happen. I’m MORE worried I won’t know how to help HIM if it does.

As I said a while back, if it happens we deal with it. But sometimes, I just don’t want the knowledge of "what could be" all up in my face. For now, I have a list of expectations for R&R of my own.

1. He’ll want to eat something besides MRE’s

2. He’ll want to sleep in a real bed.

3. He’ll want to stay asleep in said bed LATE>

4. He’ll want to relax.

5. He’ll want to be with me and the girls.