Day 20: Frustration

I am completely an utterly frustrated. With deployment, and with myself. Mostly with myself. I have done this before. I did it for a year, and then I kept doing it for an extra four months that I was in no way expecting. I didn’t whine, I didn’t whimper, I handled it, stayed positive and dealt with it like a pro. And it was the FIRST deployment I’d ever experienced.  So why am I finding myself turning into this whimpering pile so often this time??  It’s not like I haven’t done this before.

Where the hell is all that confidence I had in round 1? I had it a time or two so far. I had it when I told him “yeah I can handle only hearing from you once a week, it’s ok”. But you know what?? It’s not. Clearly I have to live with it, but I do not have to think it’s OK. I just don’t. And noone can make me. I feel like I should stomp my feet at the end of that sentence.

I’m sorry if you’re reading this, and expecting some inspirational, positive sister Mary sunshine, rainbows and puppies and yellow ribbons tome of positive thoughts and wisdom. You’re going to be disappointed. Hell I am. But I swore that if I was going to blog this deployment, it was going to be honest. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Well welcome to bad and ugly.

I’m on day 7 since the last time I spoke with my husband. And I know damned well as soon as that phone rings and it IS him, I’m going to do a complete 180 and be all happy cheery joy joy all over again. But for right now, all the worry, and fear I have pushed away since the last call has surfaced again.  I’ve had to have the kids warn me if their friends are going to ring the doorbell. I live in fear of that particular sound.

Noone that doesn’t live this life can possibly grasp how upside down everything gets turned for the spouse and children of a deployed soldier. My kids adjust wonderfully, they amaze me even when they drive me up the wall.

Maybe it’s age. Maybe I’m older, and therefore more resistant to having everything around me change now. Want to roll over in the middle  of the night and cuddle? Sorry, just a pillow there, or if I’m lucky, one of the dogs. Want someone else to take the dogs out just ONCE…sorry, no dice. Want to actually fall asleep before midnight? nope, you can’t because you don’t know that he’s OK unless midnight passes without a phone call or visit from the army.  Want the security of knowing that if you get sick, or injured someone is here to care for your kids? Nope! Can’t have it.  Dryer vent hose fell off? Too bad, grow some muscle and fix it yourself.  Want to ask him where the car registration is? Hurry up and wait.

I need an attitude adjustment, I know that. I’ll get one…when I’m damned good and ready.

Listening to: Hank Jr – Attitude Adjustment
Mood: Annoyed