It Ain’t Easy Bein Green
No, I’m not talking about the environment either. I hesitated writing about my day today. I didn’t want to complain, or whine. However I realized, that if I hide all the bad days, I’d be lying by omission about the deployment.
One of my favorite lines in Tombstone was delivered by Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday, when Wyatt Earp proved he could resist the actress, Josie in the saloon. Doc’s response was “I stand corrected Wyatt. You’re an oak”. Funny thing about Oaks, and any tree really. But we’ll stick with oak for now. They can handle almost anything without breaking. Why? Because they are strong enough to bend.
While I may post about how I strive to stay positive, to not break under the strain of this deployment, what I haven’t admitted was that sometimes when the weight of responsibility gets to me, I do bend. Sometimes you just have to to keep from breaking. Today was one of those days.
First, My cell phone alerts me that I have a text message. So i look, and it was from Hunny on facebook. Unfortunately, it was from 5am. Two Hours earlier. I missed him. I figured no big deal, I’ve heard from him pretty regularly the last week and a half, he’d be back. Only, by 11am, he wasn’t. That’s pretty much when he goes to bed, being 12 and a half hours ahead of me. By now, the irritation from facebook being so slow to send the alert has boiled into anger. You see every time he’s gotten online the last week, I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to fall. For that next day to start the week I won’t hear from him again, or two weeks, I never know.
I try to distract myself, I check my bank balance to see how things are set for my cousin’s visit next week. I realize I forgot about a couple things. Second time this week. The one week I don’t have a nice concise list of what gets paid to who. This isn’t an extra responsibility, I’ve been doing it our entire marriage. And usually I’m pretty good at it. Not this week. Up goes my irritability level.
At this point the dog uses the kitchen floor as his toilet, my head is aching again, with the headache that just keeps coming back this week, and I finally just lose it. That didn’t help my headache in the least. It doesn’t seem like much does it? That is what makes it so frustrating when it happens. It’s a bunch of little stuff. And you aren’t supposed to sweat the little stuff. But here I sat having a meltdown over it.
I realize, of course that it is going to happen. But I still catch myself feeling ashamed. Because I’m Miss Suzy Sunshine that is going to radiate light and cheer right? I wish. I no longer will hide the bad and only blog the good. It’s unfair to me to censor myself in my own blog, and unfair to other wives going through this that see nothing but positive, when they aren’t experiencing that. \
The fact is there are alot of days that suck. We spouses are very proud of our husbands, nothing ever lessens that. But we also go through alot more than you see from the outside. Alot more than you can really understand unless you live it. And we understand that really, noone gets that but us, and our husbands. We say goodbye to our best friend and love of our life, and that same day come home, and place ALL of the household responsibility squarely on our shoulders. The kids, the driving, the bills, the pets, every meal, every car problem, every broken pipe or leaky radiator that might come along in their absence.
We are the ones expected to stay strong, for our families back home, our husbands overseas, and our kids, who we do our best to keep a stiff upper lip in front of. And all of that, is in addition to the worry, and in addition to the loneliness that invades every space that he would normally be in. But sometimes all the little things build up, and that ONE person that you would normally have beside you to make it all ok, can’t be there. And that’s when it hurts the most.
But that’s also when I realize, I am an oak. I didn’t break, I had the strength to bend, and stand back up. And, that’s when my yahoo messenger lit up. That’s when I smile, and thank God the other shoe hadn’t fallen afterall. And I get a little time with Hunny. And I enjoy every minute of it, because I never know when the next time will come, it could be tomorrow, it could be next week. It could be a month. That’s when all those little things that had just seemed so huge, disappear and for a little while, it’s just us.
For my part, I intend to blog as I swore I would. The good, and the bad. For your parts…Hug a military wife, or buy her Liquor. She’ll appreciate either one! I’ll take a Jack Daniels and Coke with a maraschino cherry please.